Standing at the kitchen sink, I take vitamins every morning as part of my “morning routine.” As I stood there this morning, I gazed out the window absentmindedly until something caught my eye. In the garden, sticking up out of the snow on a thin metal rod, is what remains of a colorful ladybug lawn ornament. Designed to catch the wind, the ladybug’s wings were spinning briskly. “Looks windy,” I thought, “good thing I don’t have far to walk.” I thought about checking the thermometer then, but didn’t. I finished my preparations and headed out the door.
In the car, the “outside temperature” sensor has been misbehaving. It’s a $30 part with a $800 estimate on labor to install it. So for now, we will suffer its wild readings. At any moment it can suddenly decide to plummet to -58F, or just slide from the correct reading down to any lower number, then back up. When it just sits at one number, that’s usually the correct reading.
Five degrees Fahrenheit. It stayed there as I drove down towards the train station. I prayed, “Thank you, Lord, for the heat in my house. Thank you, Lord, for our house, and the resources to buy heat. Thank you Lord, for our jobs which pay us what we need to survive when it’s 5F and windy. We are truly blessed.” And I thought about the people I know who are homeless, praying they found “room at the inn” somewhere.
I’m going to make this prayer part of my morning routine.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
My Marriage
I've posted here before about the fact that I am married. Someone recently asked me, "what's marriage for?"
Marriage can be different things for different people. For some people, marriage can simply be a way of feigning "respectability" when someone becomes unexpectedly pregnant. For others, it is about getting access to citizenship in a different country, or avoiding being alone. There are over 1,000 various legal benefits conferred upon married (as opposed to unmarried) couples. Some of these are financial and have material impact on my earnings. Others are not monetary but are even more important emotionally.
If you still have your copy of the program from our "Blessing Ceremony", you'll see how I expressed my vow to Bill (and he expressed his to me):
"With God's help, I John, joined my life with yours, to share my joys and sorrows, to comfort and succor in sickness and in health, to strengthen and guide, to walk on a spiritual journey in this life until we meet again in the heavenly kingdom. Today I reaffirm that solemn vow and pledge my life to our union."
Fundamentally, I think marriage is about not being selfish anymore. I think that humanity's highest achievements come when selfishness takes a back seat to a sense of care and concern for others. I think the vow of marriage, to care for another in sickness and in health etc, provides one of the most productive environments possible for the subjugation of selfishness. Not the subjugation of self, but selfishness.
So must everyone get married? Let's ask "must everyone procreate?" Enough people are straight and breed that we can safely assume that we won't die-off as a species as a result of failure to reproduce. So a certain percentage of the population doesn't reproduce; they add to the world in different ways. In the same way, marriage may be the crucible in which certain parts of human progress are formed. But not everyone is meant for marriage; they provide other parts of the story.
Overall though, I think we recognize the value to our society of partnerships and commitment to another. We legally bless marriages to reinforce this recognition, but marriage isn't just about legal benefits. In fact, society reaps the benefits of marriage even when the marriage isn't approved by the government. Bill and I lack federal legal recognition, and there's uncertainty at the state level, yet we are married. I daresay we are more married than my parents were after 18 years. And our families, neighbors, churches and communities benefit from our marriage, even when our governments deny that it exists.
What is marriage for? To me, it's part of the way that I try to make the world a better place.
So if you have a senator who’s against marriage equality, why wouldn’t you call him or her and make your feelings known. Marriage equality will help the entire society, which includes those who don’t even want it to happen. They may vote on this Monday or Tuesday. Call now. Just google new york marriage equality and dig around to find your senator.
Marriage can be different things for different people. For some people, marriage can simply be a way of feigning "respectability" when someone becomes unexpectedly pregnant. For others, it is about getting access to citizenship in a different country, or avoiding being alone. There are over 1,000 various legal benefits conferred upon married (as opposed to unmarried) couples. Some of these are financial and have material impact on my earnings. Others are not monetary but are even more important emotionally.
If you still have your copy of the program from our "Blessing Ceremony", you'll see how I expressed my vow to Bill (and he expressed his to me):
"With God's help, I John, joined my life with yours, to share my joys and sorrows, to comfort and succor in sickness and in health, to strengthen and guide, to walk on a spiritual journey in this life until we meet again in the heavenly kingdom. Today I reaffirm that solemn vow and pledge my life to our union."
Fundamentally, I think marriage is about not being selfish anymore. I think that humanity's highest achievements come when selfishness takes a back seat to a sense of care and concern for others. I think the vow of marriage, to care for another in sickness and in health etc, provides one of the most productive environments possible for the subjugation of selfishness. Not the subjugation of self, but selfishness.
So must everyone get married? Let's ask "must everyone procreate?" Enough people are straight and breed that we can safely assume that we won't die-off as a species as a result of failure to reproduce. So a certain percentage of the population doesn't reproduce; they add to the world in different ways. In the same way, marriage may be the crucible in which certain parts of human progress are formed. But not everyone is meant for marriage; they provide other parts of the story.
Overall though, I think we recognize the value to our society of partnerships and commitment to another. We legally bless marriages to reinforce this recognition, but marriage isn't just about legal benefits. In fact, society reaps the benefits of marriage even when the marriage isn't approved by the government. Bill and I lack federal legal recognition, and there's uncertainty at the state level, yet we are married. I daresay we are more married than my parents were after 18 years. And our families, neighbors, churches and communities benefit from our marriage, even when our governments deny that it exists.
What is marriage for? To me, it's part of the way that I try to make the world a better place.
So if you have a senator who’s against marriage equality, why wouldn’t you call him or her and make your feelings known. Marriage equality will help the entire society, which includes those who don’t even want it to happen. They may vote on this Monday or Tuesday. Call now. Just google new york marriage equality and dig around to find your senator.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Yuk Yuk Yuk
Ah, the muse. Whenever and wherever it takes me, if it takes me at all, is always interesting. At the moment, I’m on a train into the city. I have some work to take care of in the office before I leave for a week in New Hampshire. And for some reason, as I flipped around between various applications on my laptop, waiting for the muse to arrive, this phrase, "Yuk Yuk Yuk" popped into my head. Ah, Muse! There you are!
Is it a guffaw? Perhaps just a hearty laugh? Or maybe a sarcastic response along the lines of “um, yeah, that’s SO funny”? It’s certainly not something I think I’ve heard a lot recently. In my head, at the moment anyway, it shows up as a warm, good-natured feeling. I’m feeling kind to all my fellow passengers. I even managed to avoid bitterness towards the conductors. (They did an unnecessarily snarky thing with the doors as I was sprinting down the platform towards them.)
Yet this word “yuk” when not repeated expresses moderate disgust.
Or sometimes worse.: I remember “Mr. Yuk” the poison safety sticker parents were supposed to use to keep kids from drinking household cleaners. But we can take the word, double or triple it, wrap it in a cultural context, and invert its meaning. Life is wonderful, no?
So, have a great day! Yuk it up, if you get the chance!
Is it a guffaw? Perhaps just a hearty laugh? Or maybe a sarcastic response along the lines of “um, yeah, that’s SO funny”? It’s certainly not something I think I’ve heard a lot recently. In my head, at the moment anyway, it shows up as a warm, good-natured feeling. I’m feeling kind to all my fellow passengers. I even managed to avoid bitterness towards the conductors. (They did an unnecessarily snarky thing with the doors as I was sprinting down the platform towards them.)
Yet this word “yuk” when not repeated expresses moderate disgust.
Or sometimes worse.: I remember “Mr. Yuk” the poison safety sticker parents were supposed to use to keep kids from drinking household cleaners. But we can take the word, double or triple it, wrap it in a cultural context, and invert its meaning. Life is wonderful, no?So, have a great day! Yuk it up, if you get the chance!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Death is a blessing
I’ve written about going to good funerals before. I’ve written about how a good funeral can be the most amazing experience. It can remind one to live, love, be closer to God, etc. Even when the death is a tragic one, like last week when brain cancer took the life of a 21-year-old man just starting his adulthood, God can work miracles of love and redemption in our hearts as we cope with the realities.
Sometimes, it isn’t a person who dies, but an organization or a part of our lives. We can cherish and come to depend upon these things almost as much as people.
I’ve been a part of spontaneous rituals (weekly Sunday Dinner with friends) that drew people together in loving relationships, but eventually were abandoned. We loved the memories we had from Sunday Dinner. We were proud of the institution we had founded and the ways in which it helped people. We were sad to see it go.
But it’s just a thing. Fleeting by its very nature. Institutions, works of art, entire cultures have existed, been beautiful, and died, all before we were born. The ones we are experiencing now in our lives may do the same. The work of finding the blessing is to find the new beauty around us. When the leaves have all fallen and died, to see the beauty of the snowflakes. When the beautiful snow has turned to brown mud, to see the beauty of the first shoots of spring growth.
This doesn’t mean we ignore the past; studying the past can be a thrilling endeavor. But to live into our humanity, we should be studying the past to better appreciate the present and shape the future. To realize our potential, we have to look around us and then look forward.
Take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “What do I see?”
Sometimes, it isn’t a person who dies, but an organization or a part of our lives. We can cherish and come to depend upon these things almost as much as people.
I’ve been a part of spontaneous rituals (weekly Sunday Dinner with friends) that drew people together in loving relationships, but eventually were abandoned. We loved the memories we had from Sunday Dinner. We were proud of the institution we had founded and the ways in which it helped people. We were sad to see it go.But it’s just a thing. Fleeting by its very nature. Institutions, works of art, entire cultures have existed, been beautiful, and died, all before we were born. The ones we are experiencing now in our lives may do the same. The work of finding the blessing is to find the new beauty around us. When the leaves have all fallen and died, to see the beauty of the snowflakes. When the beautiful snow has turned to brown mud, to see the beauty of the first shoots of spring growth.
This doesn’t mean we ignore the past; studying the past can be a thrilling endeavor. But to live into our humanity, we should be studying the past to better appreciate the present and shape the future. To realize our potential, we have to look around us and then look forward.
Take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “What do I see?”
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Tuesday Morning
Rob gave me a starting point, and for that I am thankful. I've been trying to write this reflection for some time, but it has been very busy at work. Which reminds me: I'm thankful to have work.
I arrived at the 27th floor of 39 Broadway at about 8am that morning. It was cool outside so I had my window slightly open to let some fresh air in. The first plane hit at 8:46. As I recall, the lights blinked and there was a noticeable noise, so I figured a transformer had blown somewhere nearby. Life continued as normal... for about 3 more minutes.
There were only a handful of us at work by then, and it was at that point that the first couple of people came by my office to find out if I had "heard". "Heard what?" "A plane hit one of the Trade Center Towers." We went to open other windows and look out. We could see the north tower burning.
We had an office in the suburbs also, and that is where my husband was working that day. We were having issues sending email from the Wall St. site. I went back to my desk, called him on the phone and asked him to send an email to the rest of the company: "The Wall Street office may be opening later than normal due to some emergency activity in the area." While I was on the phone with him, it became 9:03am. The second plane hit.
This one was different... closer... Some of our employees were leaning out of the windows watching the north tower burn and saw the second plane fly into the south tower. While on the phone with Bill, I heard the jet engines roar by, and felt our building shake as the jet fuel exploded. Until that moment, we had been unsure of how the first plane had come to strike the north tower. We didn't know if it was an errant private 2-seater or a jumbo jet. When the second plane struck, our world changed.
I told Bill I'd call him back and went to the windows where stunned colleagues were watching both towers burn. I called Bill back from a nearby phone immediately and told him.
My first concern was the team's safety. I imagined the situation on the streets to be chaotic and that it would be safer remaining in the building. As several people began to experience their own panic associated with friends or loved-ones who were much nearer the WTC, it became clear that we didn't really have a plan for this.
I looked out the window and down to the street to find the street devoid of traffic and devoid of chaos. I had increasing chaos in the office on the 27th floor, and calm in the streets. I said, "everybody go home." and we all left. I made a final call to Bill requesting another email: "The Wall St. office will be closed today." Some went home, others went towards the WTC to try to locate their friends.
I was expecting the Wall St. subway station would be mobbed. Instead, a large crowd of people was assembled in the intersection of Broadway and Rector, where the presence of Trinity Church's cemetary provided an unobstructed view of the towers burning. I went down into the subway station.
On the subway platform, everything looked normal: there were a typical number of people waiting for the train and nobody was hysterical. But something immediately struck me.
Strangers were talking to one another. "What did you hear?" "Do you know what it was?" The subway train arrived at 9:15. At 9:30 I was in Grand Central Terminal. I was on a 9:50 commuter train out to Pleasantville. It's a 10-minute ride through the tunnel under Park Avenue. Again, everyone was talking to one another. Cell phones were pretty worthless in the tunnel at that time, but we were all sharing the information we had. As we emerged from the tunnel, anyone who got a call out to someone immediately drew a crowd in the train car and relayed information to us.
A tower collapsed. Other planes are involved. The pentagon's been hit.
I made it safely to our outlying office. We began a concerted effort to locate all of the employees normally expected to be in the Wall St. office. We also began to copy source code repositories over to our London office. That ended at 5:20pm when 7 World Trade collapsed and destroyed the underground power station.
I was conflicted during the day. We needed to focus on finding everyone and making plans, and that's what we did. But I wanted to go home, watch TV and find out what was going on. I probably wanted to feel safe again.
PTSD surprised me. For about 6 to 9 months, I had involuntary adrenaline surges triggered by any sudden noise. Low flying aircraft bothered me for about 2 years. The widespread power failure in August of 2003 evoked fear of terrorists attacking our infrastructure. The night the cat knocked the lamp off of the dresser brought Bill and I both out of our slumber screaming in fear of our lives. I dreamed frequently of needing to load everything into a car and abandon our house to escape to New Hampshire because NY was under attack again. Wide awake, I would find myself making these plans; going through the steps, planning the routes to take.
Things are different now. NYC Local Law 26 requires that our office building constructs and files an Emergency Action Plan, separate from standard fire evacuation procedures. Tenants must select EAP Wardens for training. Many of the requirements come specifically from lessons learned on that Tuesday. People who were not there roll their eyes when they sit through these training sessions, or when they go through the semi-annual "stairwell familiarization drills". I point out to them that if we had been this organized on 9/11, lots more people would have made it out alive.
Our friends lost friends. Many people we knew, like Rob, had plans to be in or near the Trade Center that morning, but were detained elsewhere by traffic delays, broken alarm clocks, and other seemingly random events. Blessings in disguise.
That’s one of the reasons I write this blog. Which I realize I haven’t added anything to in a long time. The blessing of my job kept me pretty buried throughout July and I was trying to recuperate during August. Well, September is back. Work is still crazy, but EfM starts up again and “nine eleven” is a great reason to take a deep breath and thank God for all of the blessings in our lives.
Peace.
I arrived at the 27th floor of 39 Broadway at about 8am that morning. It was cool outside so I had my window slightly open to let some fresh air in. The first plane hit at 8:46. As I recall, the lights blinked and there was a noticeable noise, so I figured a transformer had blown somewhere nearby. Life continued as normal... for about 3 more minutes.There were only a handful of us at work by then, and it was at that point that the first couple of people came by my office to find out if I had "heard". "Heard what?" "A plane hit one of the Trade Center Towers." We went to open other windows and look out. We could see the north tower burning.
We had an office in the suburbs also, and that is where my husband was working that day. We were having issues sending email from the Wall St. site. I went back to my desk, called him on the phone and asked him to send an email to the rest of the company: "The Wall Street office may be opening later than normal due to some emergency activity in the area." While I was on the phone with him, it became 9:03am. The second plane hit.
This one was different... closer... Some of our employees were leaning out of the windows watching the north tower burn and saw the second plane fly into the south tower. While on the phone with Bill, I heard the jet engines roar by, and felt our building shake as the jet fuel exploded. Until that moment, we had been unsure of how the first plane had come to strike the north tower. We didn't know if it was an errant private 2-seater or a jumbo jet. When the second plane struck, our world changed.
I told Bill I'd call him back and went to the windows where stunned colleagues were watching both towers burn. I called Bill back from a nearby phone immediately and told him.My first concern was the team's safety. I imagined the situation on the streets to be chaotic and that it would be safer remaining in the building. As several people began to experience their own panic associated with friends or loved-ones who were much nearer the WTC, it became clear that we didn't really have a plan for this.
I looked out the window and down to the street to find the street devoid of traffic and devoid of chaos. I had increasing chaos in the office on the 27th floor, and calm in the streets. I said, "everybody go home." and we all left. I made a final call to Bill requesting another email: "The Wall St. office will be closed today." Some went home, others went towards the WTC to try to locate their friends.
I was expecting the Wall St. subway station would be mobbed. Instead, a large crowd of people was assembled in the intersection of Broadway and Rector, where the presence of Trinity Church's cemetary provided an unobstructed view of the towers burning. I went down into the subway station.
On the subway platform, everything looked normal: there were a typical number of people waiting for the train and nobody was hysterical. But something immediately struck me.
Strangers were talking to one another. "What did you hear?" "Do you know what it was?" The subway train arrived at 9:15. At 9:30 I was in Grand Central Terminal. I was on a 9:50 commuter train out to Pleasantville. It's a 10-minute ride through the tunnel under Park Avenue. Again, everyone was talking to one another. Cell phones were pretty worthless in the tunnel at that time, but we were all sharing the information we had. As we emerged from the tunnel, anyone who got a call out to someone immediately drew a crowd in the train car and relayed information to us.
A tower collapsed. Other planes are involved. The pentagon's been hit.
I made it safely to our outlying office. We began a concerted effort to locate all of the employees normally expected to be in the Wall St. office. We also began to copy source code repositories over to our London office. That ended at 5:20pm when 7 World Trade collapsed and destroyed the underground power station.
I was conflicted during the day. We needed to focus on finding everyone and making plans, and that's what we did. But I wanted to go home, watch TV and find out what was going on. I probably wanted to feel safe again.
PTSD surprised me. For about 6 to 9 months, I had involuntary adrenaline surges triggered by any sudden noise. Low flying aircraft bothered me for about 2 years. The widespread power failure in August of 2003 evoked fear of terrorists attacking our infrastructure. The night the cat knocked the lamp off of the dresser brought Bill and I both out of our slumber screaming in fear of our lives. I dreamed frequently of needing to load everything into a car and abandon our house to escape to New Hampshire because NY was under attack again. Wide awake, I would find myself making these plans; going through the steps, planning the routes to take.
Things are different now. NYC Local Law 26 requires that our office building constructs and files an Emergency Action Plan, separate from standard fire evacuation procedures. Tenants must select EAP Wardens for training. Many of the requirements come specifically from lessons learned on that Tuesday. People who were not there roll their eyes when they sit through these training sessions, or when they go through the semi-annual "stairwell familiarization drills". I point out to them that if we had been this organized on 9/11, lots more people would have made it out alive.
Our friends lost friends. Many people we knew, like Rob, had plans to be in or near the Trade Center that morning, but were detained elsewhere by traffic delays, broken alarm clocks, and other seemingly random events. Blessings in disguise.
That’s one of the reasons I write this blog. Which I realize I haven’t added anything to in a long time. The blessing of my job kept me pretty buried throughout July and I was trying to recuperate during August. Well, September is back. Work is still crazy, but EfM starts up again and “nine eleven” is a great reason to take a deep breath and thank God for all of the blessings in our lives.
Peace.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wipe your feet
I was thinking about preparing myself for worship this morning and looking at the pictures I had on my camera. We were brought up to wipe our feet before coming inside so that we didn't track mid all over the house. In a way, we prepared ourselves to enter the clean house.
In preparing to be in God's house, in one sense we can't wipe ourselves clean. God has done that for us. In another sense, though, there are things that we *can* try to leave behind as we begin worship. We can let go of our expectations of God. We can let go of our grievances with others. We can let go of our feelings of inadequacy. These are the things that we can wipe off of us at the door of the church.
And if we find them too firmly adhered to remove by ourselves, we just pass through the doors. Take a seat and let God know. I usually find that he can handle whatever I need to let him take care of.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Vacation Blessings
I have work to do right now, but this entry needed to be written. So, work can wait for a moment.
We just returned from a week of vacation on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. As I write this, I am riding the train to my second full day of work since coming home. Out the window, a calm morning mist, lit by the first orange rays of the sunrise, covers the smooth waters of the Hudson River.
The vacation trip wasn’t without its bumpy spots: the spiral staircase that everyone had to hit their head on at least once, the pain of overexposure to sun or alcohol, the traffic we all sat in on our rides home.
But it was a remarkable and wonderful experience. The next generation is entering adulthood. They went off by themselves on shopping trips, fishing trips and errands. They made good use of the video games they brought; yet they still gathered around the table for boisterous games of Yahtzee in memory of Grandma Enid. We all ate, drank, and played in a fairly low-key mode for the entire time. At least that’s how it felt to me.
Remarkably, the feeling I’m left with now, after a day back at work in NYC, is one of deep thankfulness. I’m thankful for the blessing of time and the resources to enjoy it.
On the final night of our vacation, we went out to dinner. When we returned to the beach house, the setting sun hit a departing thunderstorm and put an entire rainbow in the sky over the ocean. For the first time in any of our lives, from ages 14 to 50, we were able to see from one end of the rainbow to the other. Though it wouldn’t fit in a single frame on anyone’s camera, we stood on the deck taking pictures and appreciating the special ending to a great week.
Thanks, God.
We just returned from a week of vacation on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. As I write this, I am riding the train to my second full day of work since coming home. Out the window, a calm morning mist, lit by the first orange rays of the sunrise, covers the smooth waters of the Hudson River.
The vacation trip wasn’t without its bumpy spots: the spiral staircase that everyone had to hit their head on at least once, the pain of overexposure to sun or alcohol, the traffic we all sat in on our rides home.
But it was a remarkable and wonderful experience. The next generation is entering adulthood. They went off by themselves on shopping trips, fishing trips and errands. They made good use of the video games they brought; yet they still gathered around the table for boisterous games of Yahtzee in memory of Grandma Enid. We all ate, drank, and played in a fairly low-key mode for the entire time. At least that’s how it felt to me.
Remarkably, the feeling I’m left with now, after a day back at work in NYC, is one of deep thankfulness. I’m thankful for the blessing of time and the resources to enjoy it.
On the final night of our vacation, we went out to dinner. When we returned to the beach house, the setting sun hit a departing thunderstorm and put an entire rainbow in the sky over the ocean. For the first time in any of our lives, from ages 14 to 50, we were able to see from one end of the rainbow to the other. Though it wouldn’t fit in a single frame on anyone’s camera, we stood on the deck taking pictures and appreciating the special ending to a great week.
Thanks, God.
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